Trouble.

I didn't know a heart could fall that fast and HARD in a good way. And dammit it hurt... (so good? Haha ah, love John Mellencamp. I'm so funny.)

I'm in trouuuuuuubleeeee... Trouble, trouble, trouble.

What a tease...

♫ In My Head - Jason Derulo (I am ADDICTED to this song. And how fitting...)

I really never can catch a break. I was so close! Ish. Traded numbers and everything, that's a start. Getting talked about, good signs. & then I thought he was being all sweet and slow not making a move when he wanted to... but no. He has a gf. And a baby one at that. So it's good he didn't... but still. Grr.

Why the hell do these mindfucks happen right around finals? I can't focus on a damn thing...

And I don't know if I should try anyway. I have to try sometime. I have to be brave sometime.

I don't know why I can't be happy with anything. I had the best weekend ever. At first I smiled just thinking about it and how right it felt. And then a few hours after that I'm thinking how I don't know when I'll get that back. Or if I will. And how soon they'll all be gone, and then what will I have left?

Because no one else has ever made me feel like that. I really don't want to lose it. Just when I was doing so well at remembering...

But probably not letting myself revel in it is smart. Because it's all temporary, isn't it? All of it.

Punched... again. Surprised?

How the fuck did this happen again? Seriously... No, seriously. How do I get the complaints about everyone else and still get fucked over? What. The. Fuck.

Hindsight

So we were supposed to update this throughout the year... which I basically failed at.

But really second semester was relatively unexciting. Everyone grew tired of everyone else. I constantly felt as though I was on eggshells because I didn't want to become the one who was talked about behind her back. Bri and Brian started dating and being weird and secretive about it, which makes no sense. But there you go. I'm basically fine about that whole thing. Still don't like seeing the hickeys, though... or hearing about them being shirtless on top of each other. And you'd think he'd half a mind not to be all friend-fake-flirty with me telling me the pretty girls played soccer when I have my sweatshirt on and winking at me all the time. I love winking and he's fucking ruining it for me. Anyway, so Bri's alway MIA and mysterious and flakey at best, and Lea is kicking herself for rooming with her next year, but I guess that's what happens. And I guess their suitemates that Bri was BFFs with, Bri doesn't talk to so much b/c she didn't like how "flirty" one of the girls was with Brian and the other boys. Whatev. Like I didn't see all that coming.

And then there was me, so fucking tired of hearing about how "weird" Bri is every ten minutes and about Kitty's questionable STD (some kind of skin...thing. muscollum or something, but in an STD area... me & her as suitemates next year = fml) and not wanting to say anything bad about Bri or believe that she's a pathological liar since she's my connection in the whole Scotty thing, which has me reeling-ish still, since my only proof is gone now (thankfully) but at the same time at least then I knew I wasn't crazy about it happening. So now it's just all in my head, which is unhealthy and dangerous because I know the truth and I ignore it anyway. And then everyone else basically encourages it. Including the Universe (Scotty Doesn't Know coming on shuffle the next day???), which is awful. But I think I’m a little better now.

So in recap, Things I’ve Learned My First Year At State:
The first three are courtesy of other people telling me this.

• The first impression I give is that of a bitch. [I need to work on that. Silence + sarcasm equal being shy, but trying to show you are actually awesome. It equals being a bitch.]
• I am a social barometer. I "have a good sense of right and wrong". I help you know what's up.
• I am "the only one with their shit together" on my floor. Everyone else is psychotic.
• Following your sense of right and wrong is pointless as it gets you nowhere. And people love a mess a hell of a lot more.
  
• Not following your sense of right and wrong can be worse.
• Life is not like a movie, books, television, or even most music. Those guys don’t exist. Guys mostly are jerks and/or go for the (usually slutty) messes.
• People are never what they seem. Ever. And they're always going to care a hell of a lot more about their problems than yours.