I don't know why I can't be happy with anything. I had the best weekend ever. At first I smiled just thinking about it and how right it felt. And then a few hours after that I'm thinking how I don't know when I'll get that back. Or if I will. And how soon they'll all be gone, and then what will I have left?

Because no one else has ever made me feel like that. I really don't want to lose it. Just when I was doing so well at remembering...

But probably not letting myself revel in it is smart. Because it's all temporary, isn't it? All of it.

Punched... again. Surprised?

How the fuck did this happen again? Seriously... No, seriously. How do I get the complaints about everyone else and still get fucked over? What. The. Fuck.

Hindsight

So we were supposed to update this throughout the year... which I basically failed at.

But really second semester was relatively unexciting. Everyone grew tired of everyone else. I constantly felt as though I was on eggshells because I didn't want to become the one who was talked about behind her back. Bri and Brian started dating and being weird and secretive about it, which makes no sense. But there you go. I'm basically fine about that whole thing. Still don't like seeing the hickeys, though... or hearing about them being shirtless on top of each other. And you'd think he'd half a mind not to be all friend-fake-flirty with me telling me the pretty girls played soccer when I have my sweatshirt on and winking at me all the time. I love winking and he's fucking ruining it for me. Anyway, so Bri's alway MIA and mysterious and flakey at best, and Lea is kicking herself for rooming with her next year, but I guess that's what happens. And I guess their suitemates that Bri was BFFs with, Bri doesn't talk to so much b/c she didn't like how "flirty" one of the girls was with Brian and the other boys. Whatev. Like I didn't see all that coming.

And then there was me, so fucking tired of hearing about how "weird" Bri is every ten minutes and about Kitty's questionable STD (some kind of skin...thing. muscollum or something, but in an STD area... me & her as suitemates next year = fml) and not wanting to say anything bad about Bri or believe that she's a pathological liar since she's my connection in the whole Scotty thing, which has me reeling-ish still, since my only proof is gone now (thankfully) but at the same time at least then I knew I wasn't crazy about it happening. So now it's just all in my head, which is unhealthy and dangerous because I know the truth and I ignore it anyway. And then everyone else basically encourages it. Including the Universe (Scotty Doesn't Know coming on shuffle the next day???), which is awful. But I think I’m a little better now.

So in recap, Things I’ve Learned My First Year At State:
The first three are courtesy of other people telling me this.

• The first impression I give is that of a bitch. [I need to work on that. Silence + sarcasm equal being shy, but trying to show you are actually awesome. It equals being a bitch.]
• I am a social barometer. I "have a good sense of right and wrong". I help you know what's up.
• I am "the only one with their shit together" on my floor. Everyone else is psychotic.
• Following your sense of right and wrong is pointless as it gets you nowhere. And people love a mess a hell of a lot more.
  
• Not following your sense of right and wrong can be worse.
• Life is not like a movie, books, television, or even most music. Those guys don’t exist. Guys mostly are jerks and/or go for the (usually slutty) messes.
• People are never what they seem. Ever. And they're always going to care a hell of a lot more about their problems than yours.
  

Punch In The Stomach

Well, fuck.

You see, this is why I don't trust people: because they can't be trusted. People are fickle. I hate that. I realize it's not really that big of a deal, but if I couldn't go in with a roommate, at least I wanted Bri & Lea to be my suitemates. And I asked. And they said yes. And then I lose out to the new favorite. What the hell? I hate that. It always happens. Every experience I've had in my life has taught me that. People who've always been there always, without fail, get fucked over for fresh & exciting, but flakey people. Always. And the reliable people are the ones to fall back on when the exciting ones, as they will, let you down when you need them.

And the reliable ones, they never, ever learn.

Careful... Careful, now...

♫ Apologize - Silverstein
http://profile.myspace.com/punkgoespop2 :) So excited! Not so much for Mayday doing When I Grow Up (*GAAAG*), but what can you do?

It feels right to be back here...But something is very different; very off. I can't explain it, really. Everything and everyone feels more solitary and independent and long and short and strange, all at the same time. It's just...weird. But I don't feel sad or anything. I feel very content. That's basically the perfect word. I feel just fine.

Saw Brian for the first time in forever the other day, and I am happier ever that I wised up. Honestly, I want to chock that whole thing up to a SERIOUS lack of judgment & temporary insanity. Good God. Even still he kept doing that thing he does, sounding like he's gonna be serious or deep and then fumbling like nothing else and being a jerk. And sending weird signals everywhere. "Hey are you coming with me to get that 7Up?" "This drink's for you". Ugh. He told Lea that he's changed now (in what respect, I have no idea), but from what I (& everyone else) can see he's more screwed up than ever. A bunch of us were discussing his insanity and I was talking and Nick was like "Gina is not impressed" or something to that effect and I was like "Guh". ...Anyway...

I've had random conversations with random people lately, which is sorta nice... Mixed up the people I've been spending time with... Which is good….but now I’m just jealous for attention, and that’s something that’s pretty consuming. But now more than ever I need it to be proven. It’s just never come easy for me. Or maybe it’s just me.